Tuesday, January 26, 2010

7 Reasons 2010 Is Going to Suck

#1: The midterm elections are coming, which isn't really a problem unless you care about the Democrats, who are going to lose the “supermajority” they failed to do anything with. I'm more worried about the weeks and months after the midterms, when Fox News will gloat and gloat about how America is a “Conservative country” and how these elections were “a referendum on the failed leftist policies of Barack Obama.” (I'm almost positive this exact phrase will be said by a pundit at least once.) The media will keep reporting on Obama's plummeting approval rating, which will cause Obama's approval to plummet, which will generate more reporting on his plummeting approval rating, and so on until the general cable-news consensus is that an inanimate carbon rod could beat him in 2012. Every Republican you know is about to become a gigantic prick. Fortunately, I live in New York City, so I don't know any Republicans.

#2 Drugs will continue to be illegal, except for alcohol, tobacco, and caffiene, and the latter two substances aren't fun at all, so they shouldn't count.

#3 The Winter Olympics are coming. Unless you are competing in the games, or are one of those preteen girls who is really into figure skating, there is no reason to care about the Winter Olympics. Yet we are expected to tune into NBC (which stands for the Network Buttfucking Conan) and watch the representative of our nation attempt to skate in a circle faster than the representatives of the hated Other Nations. There will also be occasional profiles of athletes who have Overcome the Odds, like the figure skater who became successful and famous despite being mistaken for a homosexual all the time. If the United States does poorly, Barack Obama will be blamed.

#4 John Edwards, in all likelihood, has a bigger cock than you. When you make love to your girlfriend/boyfriend/ployamorous partners in the coming year, how can you be sure he/she/they aren't thinking about John Edwards?

#5 One year passing means you are one year closer to death.

#6 At some point during this year, it will be the one year of Michael Jackson's death, which we'll have to hear about how great he was all over again. Jackson is on his way to becoming the next Elvis, a figure who is mourned and venerated way, way more than he deserves.

#7 Finally, if you don't have health insurance, you aren't going to get any next year either. So don't get sick, or next year is really going to suck.

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